Sunday, July 3, 2016
Today I think I may have reached a place I have been struggling to get to for several years...
I met with someone who owed me a debt, which I had actually forgiven/forgotten about. I didn't expect to see the money and had let go of that. What I hadn't let go of was anger.
I had been holding onto anger for other things that had happened actually. Things that hurt me and I hadn't talked about with this person. Today gave me that opportunity.
Now this is someone I once loved very much. Someone who is no longer in my life. We are on much different paths now and don't ever see or speak to one another; partly by chance, partly by choice.
A week ago this person contacted me and told me that they had something to give me. I figured it was probably some photographs or something of mine they had found.
But, no. They repaid a debt. And we chatted a bit, catching up on where life had taken us in the past year. They said they didn't want the money to be an issue.
That was when I decided to discuss the "issue". I was calm, I tried to honest yet gentle. I tried to use "I" statements and not blame. I am not sure if I did that as well as I had hoped but I tried to say what I needed to say.
I explained I had been holding onto anger. That I was wanting to forgive but I had been hurt by their actions and had not told them I was hurting and angry.
Today I did that.
And I let it go. I let go of the anger. I saw my words register, I saw pain in their eyes. I didn't want to inflict pain, since I know how it feels, I just wanted to say my piece. To gain peace.
And then we said goodbye. I think maybe this was the final goodbye. I don't know that we will be friends again. I don't think our paths will often cross, but when they do, I hope to look with eyes that hold no anger or judgement.
I am grateful for the repayment of the debt. I admire the person for doing that, for being accountable and being true to their word. It showed me they have grown and changed for the better. And for that I am happy for them. I wish them the best. I wish them all the happiness they never found before. I wish them only good things.
I really think I let go of the anger, of the past, of all the hurt and pain we caused one another. I hope they can forgive me of that past as well...
My heart feels odd today: lighter, a bit sad, a bit hopeful... maybe this is what forgiveness feels like.