Sunday, December 16, 2012

Winter light

It is now the twilight time of year. Days of sunshine are few, the trees skeletal against dove gray clouds and all seems dim and dark.

Recent events have added to the spiritual and emotional darkness of this season. The death of innocent children and adults by the hand of a very disturbed, troubled young man seems to steal the joy of the holidays and dampen our spirits.

We cry, we panic, we worry and fret about our own children, our family and friends; even strangers we don't know but with whom we share a common deep grief.

During times of darkness we seek light. We seek warmth, community and solace. Even our ancestors would gather around a fire in the darkest night for heat, company and safety. A fire to keep away the evils beyond the periphery of the light, to protect them from what lay waiting in the darkness.

Perhaps that is why this time of year we string our houses with twinkling strands of lights, burn candles, build fires and seek out the warmth of home and hearth. Perhaps it is somehow so deeply ingrained within us to be light seekers that we subconsciously bring light forth in the darkest of days, the darkest of seasons, the darkest of times.

Even during a moment of unimaginable horror, we seek light, community and warmth from one another. We seek solace. We light candles for the memory of lives cut short. We light them to remind us to hope, to pray, to know that the darkness shall in time, pass.

Within the circle of light we are safe. The shadows cannot conquer us as long as there is one spark glowing within our soul.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Too long

I realized with a shock that I had not posted anything since the very 1st of September.
As the days became darker, so did my mood.
I knew several anniversaries where pending. The death of my favorite aunt, the loss of my mother and my friend Alan dying. Somehow those losses overwhelmed me this year. Grief began anew.
Even the fiery colors of the trees did not help. Usually fall is my favorite of all seasons but somehow it seemed to fly by and take me straight into the barrenness of winter.

At the same time, my husband sank into the dark pit of his depression. He became irritable and angry.  Life became about avoiding his moods, ignoring his lethargy, praying he seek help. We began to fall back into old patterns and our marriage has suffered.

He realized that something was off and has sought help.

Together we are seeking counsel from a therapist who hopefully will remain neutral.

Even though I am a mental health specialist, a licensed therapist, I need help. We need help.
I spend time thinking "What would  I tell a client to do?" Yet it is hard to apply those tools to our marriage. The cracks are many and some are huge and I don't know if we can mend it this time.

That leaves me scared.

We have weathered so many challenges and survived. But now we question can we do this again? Can we do it together or must we go our separate ways. I don't know the answer. I ask for discernment and wisdom. I hope we can work out our differences and forgive one another. I hope we find the right path for ourselves both individually and as a couple. Do we walk apart and join each other in the future or do we walk parallel roads? Or do we seek out new routes for ourselves? I don't know. I don't have a map...

I hope for Spring.