Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Signs and Wonders

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Today on Valentine's Day, I was working. As I sat in traffic at a red light, I was thinking about my loved ones who have died in the past year. Especially my brother, Doug, who gave many red roses to his wife Bobbie.

I knew this was going to be a hard holiday for her. I said a little prayer and selfishly hoped for a sign that God had heard me...

I noticed the car pulling up beside me because it was the same make and model of Chevy Malibu that I drive. As it eased ahead of me, the bumper sticker caught my eye.

In red letters on a white background, the bumper sticker simply stated: "GOD IS SO GOOD".

That was a phrase I have heard many times from both my brother and his wife's lips. It was then I knew my prayer was answered.  The relationship has changed but the love my brother shared with this world remains.

Happy Valentines Day from Heaven.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Stuck

I am in such a strange place in my head. I can neither go forward or back until I somehow deal with the past two years.

I am tired of change and yet I yearn to change everything. Maybe just everything that has happened. I want to stop feeling the loss of my loved ones and bring them back. Not back to their times of illness and suffering but back to happier days.

There have been times when I wished I could stop time and hold a moment forever, letting the day stretch into infinity, relaxing into happiness the way one falls asleep on a soft bed, cloaked in warmth.

I want to relive those happy times, laughing again, touching, loving each person and be truly present for and with them.

I am stuck in this grief. In this land of loss. I struggle to be present even now, knowing that these moments won't last, that they too will pass and I will have regrets later...

I miss them all so very much. They are so clear in my mind's eye, I see them in dreams and hear their voices. I hate waking up to the reality that they are gone, that they aren't coming back. I feel like a child aching deep inside, screaming at the unfairness of it all, wanting to hold my breath until I get my way...

I miss them so very much.

Broken


I feel that deep inside me
something has broken
too much
to ever be
repaired
mended
or fixed.

The question now is
how do I
live with the dull pain
caused by the sharp edges of grief?