Saturday, December 8, 2012

Too long

I realized with a shock that I had not posted anything since the very 1st of September.
As the days became darker, so did my mood.
I knew several anniversaries where pending. The death of my favorite aunt, the loss of my mother and my friend Alan dying. Somehow those losses overwhelmed me this year. Grief began anew.
Even the fiery colors of the trees did not help. Usually fall is my favorite of all seasons but somehow it seemed to fly by and take me straight into the barrenness of winter.

At the same time, my husband sank into the dark pit of his depression. He became irritable and angry.  Life became about avoiding his moods, ignoring his lethargy, praying he seek help. We began to fall back into old patterns and our marriage has suffered.

He realized that something was off and has sought help.

Together we are seeking counsel from a therapist who hopefully will remain neutral.

Even though I am a mental health specialist, a licensed therapist, I need help. We need help.
I spend time thinking "What would  I tell a client to do?" Yet it is hard to apply those tools to our marriage. The cracks are many and some are huge and I don't know if we can mend it this time.

That leaves me scared.

We have weathered so many challenges and survived. But now we question can we do this again? Can we do it together or must we go our separate ways. I don't know the answer. I ask for discernment and wisdom. I hope we can work out our differences and forgive one another. I hope we find the right path for ourselves both individually and as a couple. Do we walk apart and join each other in the future or do we walk parallel roads? Or do we seek out new routes for ourselves? I don't know. I don't have a map...

I hope for Spring.

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