Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A year goes by...

The time is fast approaching when it will be a year since my brother died.

Father's day just passed. Last year's Father's Day was the last time I saw my brother alive. He was so sick, looking so much like our father did in his last days of cancer. So many layers of emotions; love, sorrow, anger, despair, hope and acceptance~ an emotional tornado lodged in my heart.

It doesn't seem possible that a year has passed, 4 seasons come and gone. Holidays and Holy days blending together yet separate and distinct due to the huge void that my brother left behind.

Losing a sibling has affected me so differently than losing a parent. I always assumed because I was a late in life baby, that I would outlive my parents. Parents grow old and pass on. Siblings are supposed to be around forever.

Now I know that is not true. Now I look at my sister and brother and part of me is unsure and scared. What will I do when they go? Who else knows me as well as they know me? Who else has been through so much with me?

I try not to panic. I try to stay calm and stay in touch. But now there is a void, a broken link in the chain linking me to the past and the present.

I feel as though I am holding my breath, waiting for 'that day' to come and go. To see if I survive it, relive it or give in to it.

Within a week, I will know. Within a week, I may finally be able to let go of the anger of losing my brother too soon...

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