Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Morning thoughts

I have grown to love the morning.

I usually am not a morning person and find my anxiety is at its highest when I first wake up. I have a tendency to stay in bed, tossing and turning, worrying and fretting. But lately I have forced myself to get up, feed the dogs and cats, enduring their early morning craziness, make the coffee and then when every creature has settled, I sit with a warm cup of coffee and just listen.

I try to use my DBT skills (mindfulness, awareness) and check in with myself.

I always hear the birds first, their chirping and tweeting cheer me. I listen to the slow breathing of now quiet dogs, sometimes punctuated by quiet "woofs" as they dream again. Occasionally I hear the chatter of squirrels as they fuss at the birds.

I listen to my breath, feel it moving in and out, calming me.

I watch as the world lightens, the sun peeking over the treetops, turning the world golden with promise.

Over the past few weeks, the trees have started to bud, pale green chasing away the winter's starkness.

Sometimes I pray, sometimes I just listen in gratitude.

Grateful to be here, I find the anxiety dissipates leaving me calm and ready to face the day.

Monday, March 19, 2012


Today while on the winding road
between the greening fields
I saw you, with amber eyes
Gazing at the world.

And in a moment holy and profound
you turned your gaze to me
eyes locked, souls bound
by a holiness too big to speak.

Silence hung between us
while a thousand thoughts flew
like the blackbirds rising
on wing at the scent of you
wafting on the wind.

Too soon time sped forward
and you turned away.
I continued on the road home,
changed by the amber eyes 
and a wild singing 
flowing in my veins.


In that murky area between sleep and waking, I am besieged by ghosts...

I come out of a dream unsure what is real and what is not. I have to remind myself who has passed from this life and who remains.

Often I feel my cat of 22 years is curled against me, only to awaken to the realization he died over 2 years ago.

Today I remembered my friend Alan and woke with an image of him laughing and healthy~ pancreatic cancer ended his life a year ago.

Today I curled around my husband's body, laid my hand upon his heart, feeling the slow steady beat. I laid my cheek upon his shoulder feeling his warmth, the smoothness of his skin, the muscle and bone firm and healthy. I said softly to myself, "This is real. This is true. All else is just an illusion."

This morning I held Life and chased Death from my dreams...

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


Today I conducted a session outside, in the sun, near running water, with birds singing. It was glorious.
I have begun teaching two teenagers DBT skills  (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). It is a therapy that embraces the now. One learns skills with which to live in the present, tolerate distress and emotionally regulate oneself. It involves breathing, using all five senses and experiencing life as it is happening, living neither in the past or the future.

So we talked for a while. Then we walked around the beautiful Japanese garden, listening to the flowing water, standing for awhile watching the koi swim and flip about in the pond. The sun was warm and the breeze was light and fresh. A perfect setting for learning about awareness.

I plan to do more sessions there!