I am in such a strange place in my head. I can neither go forward or back until I somehow deal with the past two years.
I am tired of change and yet I yearn to change everything. Maybe just everything that has happened. I want to stop feeling the loss of my loved ones and bring them back. Not back to their times of illness and suffering but back to happier days.
There have been times when I wished I could stop time and hold a moment forever, letting the day stretch into infinity, relaxing into happiness the way one falls asleep on a soft bed, cloaked in warmth.
I want to relive those happy times, laughing again, touching, loving each person and be truly present for and with them.
I am stuck in this grief. In this land of loss. I struggle to be present even now, knowing that these moments won't last, that they too will pass and I will have regrets later...
I miss them all so very much. They are so clear in my mind's eye, I see them in dreams and hear their voices. I hate waking up to the reality that they are gone, that they aren't coming back. I feel like a child aching deep inside, screaming at the unfairness of it all, wanting to hold my breath until I get my way...
I miss them so very much.