Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Good News Stays...

The results are in. The hubster has no visible tumors, the pulmonary embolism is almost gone and he is in remission for now.

This summer I worked hard on staying clinical, doing his feedings by tube, dosing out medications. Sitting patiently in waiting rooms, hospital rooms, emergency rooms. I tried not to cry in front of him. I only lost it a couple of times. But yesterday when we got the good news, the dam cracked. I made it to the waiting room before getting misty eyed. I grew mistier when we saw one of his fellow survivors who reported that they had also just received good news about their scan. By the time I hit the car, I was full out weeping. I leaned over hugged the hubster and just kept weeping... tears of joy. I didn't know how much I had been holding in over the summer. It was like a psychic wall coming down.

Today I am a little calmer but the hubster was still walking around in shock. I started on paperwork, emailed the Agency setting up to return to work on 9/27. Getting ready to start a life put on hold.
I started a list of what I needed to do, dug out my planner. Talked to a few friends and family.

It has been a weird summer. I have had several bad, sad, black summers, this was one of the worst in some ways. In some ways it was a time of great growth. I have learned to lean on God in whatever form He appears: seeing God everywhere in everyone. Learned to be humble. Learned to accept rather than give.  I have again learned that my family is so precious to me. I love them so fiercely and deeply.

I can accept I am strong, brave, and also that I still am a long way from being the kind of woman I want to be. I have issues I must and will deal with over the next few months. I have to accept that loss, anger, grief must be dealt with and vanquished.

I still have family members and friends fighting cancer. It hangs on the fringes of my daily existence. I have learned to hate it: its insidious, malicious, evil slithering into  the daily lives of those I love. I have learned to be grateful for small and big favors. I have learned to pray quickly, quietly, earnestly while running down a hallway or sitting by myself at a red light.

I have learned the world does not revolve around me. That my presence is not always needed. That I can take time away from work and the world goes on. In the next year I hope to honor that truth. I plan to take more vacation time and see family and friends. To find solitude and renewal for myself. I want to desperately free myself of everything not useful or beautiful in my home, my life, my heart.
I want to learn to forgive. I want to love again without fear of loss. I want to heal.

I have been tested and I think I passed.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Summer that Wasn't...

Its September 1st. How did THAT happen???

This is the summer that wasn't... it wasn't about vacations, shorter workdays, longer evenings, plays at the Arboretum or any of what I usually do during summer.

It was about avoiding heat and the sun. Going from one hospital to another. Sleeping in the middle of the day so we could be awake when it was cooler and darker.

It was about praying alot. For the hubster, my brother, my aunt and my friend all who have/had cancer.

This summer is a blur. I cannot tell you one specific thing I did. But I achieved a lot it seems. Yet it was not very satisfying as a lot of it was putting out fires and shuffling papers.

I did get to eat corn and tomatoes, I did get to the farm 2 times. I have read a lot but retained very little. Time was way off for me. I lived some days on 4 hour increments waiting for the next time to feed or give medicine. There is so much I should have/could have/would have done, but I didn't...
I don't know why other than it was a strange summer when time either flew or drug out miserably...


I waited and prayed more than ever in my life. I decided that this was either Hell or Limbo and I am still out on which exactly it is.

But now that September is here, maybe it will change, maybe good news is around the corner, maybe the heat will dissipate and it will cool down. Maybe I can go back to work and the hubster will begin to eat food again.

Maybe the doldrums are ending...