Sunday, October 17, 2010

Its been a long time

I have written in so long. I have had ideas simmering in my mind for months, but when it comes down to writing, I stall out...

Its been a rough summer. So much sorrow, worry and anxiety. Too many people in my life fighting for their lives.

But oh,  have I learned. I have changed without realizing I was transforming. I am no longer the same person I was in April. Then I was burned out, stressed, overwhelmed with myself. But then on the horizon appeared a great looming shadow: CANCER.

Cancer was diagnosed in my husband, brother, aunt, cousin and a dear, dear friend within the same month Various forms, all Stage IV. Meaning it had metastasized to other parts of their bodies. Suddenly, I wasn't as important in my own mind. I shifted my ego out of the way realizing how precious life is, again. There is nothing that makes one so mindful of  mortality as seeing a loved one facing Death. It becomes a daily presence always on the edge of one's vision, lurking in the room, waiting...

There were several times it came way too close. The hubster developed a pulmonary embolism, BB1 was rushed to the ER several times, my aunt lay in a nursing home with a broken arm, pneumonia...

I have seen Death before. I watched my father die in front of me.  I had lost my mother while I was miles away and couldn't be by her side.  I  have had countless animals die in my arms as a veterinary assistant. I have been the one to speed the process by pushing the needle into the vein and releasing the overdose of barbituates to ease the animals from suffering to peace.

Death is no stranger, but still not a welcome friend...

I have found a new depth to my spirituality. I have had to let go of so many things, so much of myself. I never realized how prideful I was. How desperate I was to be the one who fixes everything and not accept help. In essence, I was a control freak. I had to let go of that. I had to accept my flawed ability to not be able to do it all alone. I had to come to grips with my overwhelming fear of poverty. I had no choice, I had to let go and let God.

God was/is everywhere. People came out of the woodwork to assist us. People who loved us with a depth that broke my heart time and time again. Everywhere I turned, I saw the Christ in action. Friends gave money, time, talent. They sent cards and called. They came and sat with me in the hospital, in my living room, in the hubster's hospital room. They cried with me and let me be angry, sad, broken. They held my hand in silence and hugged me until I stopped shaking. The doctors kept pushing to save my hubster, not giving up until they had the answer to why he was vomiting/fainting/short of breath. Countless times I felt the presence of something so much bigger than myself. I saw something in the eyes of friends, strangers, felt in their touch, heard it in their voice: I am not alone.

I don't know what to do with all the gratitude I feel. It is awesome to be the beneficiary of such unconditional love and mercy. I am humbled by it all. I want to spread it so others can feel the same love and mercy I have been given. But how? How can I repay what I have been given?

How can I pay it forward, spread it, let people know how vast the power of love really, truly is and that it exists? How can I ever describe what is in my heart? How can I show the world that aches and bleeds and cries and mourns that there is more, something true? How can I as one person accomplish what I want to do?

I don't know the answers. Yet. But I will be living my life differently, daily.
Thank you all for the blessings you have so freely given that I have so gratefully and undeservedly received.
Thank you.

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