Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Good News Stays...

The results are in. The hubster has no visible tumors, the pulmonary embolism is almost gone and he is in remission for now.

This summer I worked hard on staying clinical, doing his feedings by tube, dosing out medications. Sitting patiently in waiting rooms, hospital rooms, emergency rooms. I tried not to cry in front of him. I only lost it a couple of times. But yesterday when we got the good news, the dam cracked. I made it to the waiting room before getting misty eyed. I grew mistier when we saw one of his fellow survivors who reported that they had also just received good news about their scan. By the time I hit the car, I was full out weeping. I leaned over hugged the hubster and just kept weeping... tears of joy. I didn't know how much I had been holding in over the summer. It was like a psychic wall coming down.

Today I am a little calmer but the hubster was still walking around in shock. I started on paperwork, emailed the Agency setting up to return to work on 9/27. Getting ready to start a life put on hold.
I started a list of what I needed to do, dug out my planner. Talked to a few friends and family.

It has been a weird summer. I have had several bad, sad, black summers, this was one of the worst in some ways. In some ways it was a time of great growth. I have learned to lean on God in whatever form He appears: seeing God everywhere in everyone. Learned to be humble. Learned to accept rather than give.  I have again learned that my family is so precious to me. I love them so fiercely and deeply.

I can accept I am strong, brave, and also that I still am a long way from being the kind of woman I want to be. I have issues I must and will deal with over the next few months. I have to accept that loss, anger, grief must be dealt with and vanquished.

I still have family members and friends fighting cancer. It hangs on the fringes of my daily existence. I have learned to hate it: its insidious, malicious, evil slithering into  the daily lives of those I love. I have learned to be grateful for small and big favors. I have learned to pray quickly, quietly, earnestly while running down a hallway or sitting by myself at a red light.

I have learned the world does not revolve around me. That my presence is not always needed. That I can take time away from work and the world goes on. In the next year I hope to honor that truth. I plan to take more vacation time and see family and friends. To find solitude and renewal for myself. I want to desperately free myself of everything not useful or beautiful in my home, my life, my heart.
I want to learn to forgive. I want to love again without fear of loss. I want to heal.

I have been tested and I think I passed.

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