The results are in. The hubster has no visible tumors, the pulmonary embolism is almost gone and he is in remission for now.
This summer I worked hard on staying clinical, doing his feedings by tube, dosing out medications. Sitting patiently in waiting rooms, hospital rooms, emergency rooms. I tried not to cry in front of him. I only lost it a couple of times. But yesterday when we got the good news, the dam cracked. I made it to the waiting room before getting misty eyed. I grew mistier when we saw one of his fellow survivors who reported that they had also just received good news about their scan. By the time I hit the car, I was full out weeping. I leaned over hugged the hubster and just kept weeping... tears of joy. I didn't know how much I had been holding in over the summer. It was like a psychic wall coming down.
Today I am a little calmer but the hubster was still walking around in shock. I started on paperwork, emailed the Agency setting up to return to work on 9/27. Getting ready to start a life put on hold.
I started a list of what I needed to do, dug out my planner. Talked to a few friends and family.
It has been a weird summer. I have had several bad, sad, black summers, this was one of the worst in some ways. In some ways it was a time of great growth. I have learned to lean on God in whatever form He appears: seeing God everywhere in everyone. Learned to be humble. Learned to accept rather than give. I have again learned that my family is so precious to me. I love them so fiercely and deeply.
I can accept I am strong, brave, and also that I still am a long way from being the kind of woman I want to be. I have issues I must and will deal with over the next few months. I have to accept that loss, anger, grief must be dealt with and vanquished.
I still have family members and friends fighting cancer. It hangs on the fringes of my daily existence. I have learned to hate it: its insidious, malicious, evil slithering into the daily lives of those I love. I have learned to be grateful for small and big favors. I have learned to pray quickly, quietly, earnestly while running down a hallway or sitting by myself at a red light.
I have learned the world does not revolve around me. That my presence is not always needed. That I can take time away from work and the world goes on. In the next year I hope to honor that truth. I plan to take more vacation time and see family and friends. To find solitude and renewal for myself. I want to desperately free myself of everything not useful or beautiful in my home, my life, my heart.
I want to learn to forgive. I want to love again without fear of loss. I want to heal.
I have been tested and I think I passed.