Sunday, June 20, 2010

An indeterminate time...

It is the first day since surgery two months ago that the hubster and I have been alone in our home together.
His mother came to stay before he was discharged from the hospital. My sister and I cleaned feverishly, to make room for a visit of indeterminate length.
He came home from the hospital with an eight inch incision, no jugular on his right side, no nerve to his right ear, 4 lymph nodes and tumor gone from the curve of his jaw...
He recovered from that invasion to his body, only to be told that he needed teeth extracted. Not some, but all. He has spent his life with words, living and breathing them, uttering them dramatically from a stage, whispering them tenderly in the night, drawing people in with humor and pathos, now he would lose them for an indeterminate time...
Once recovered from the extractions, he had a feeding tube placed. They pierced his side and now water flows into him, to be replaced by food, as needed, in an indeterminate time...
His mother has stayed with us, cooking, cleaning, helping organize so that we could find a new normal for us. Things have settled into a routine: up at 7, coffee for me, feed the pets, shower, open the Ensure, lay out a lot of pills for him. Flush the tube, change the bandage, leave the house by 8 to get to radiation treatment. Wait. Go home, feed him and myself. Nap through the heat of the day, do the crosswords with Mum, cook in the cool of the night, more pills, more bandage changes, more waiting...
Now Mum has gone home for an indeterminate time. Waiting for our call if we need her.
Today we went to church, he sang in the choir, his voice winding its way to my heart, me crying on the song where we sing "I'm lost without you", the words taking on a new meaning, a nuance in my soul where God and husband meet as the loves of my life...
Today he wrote, the house feeling strangely empty without Mum. I understand her going home, she is needed elsewhere for now. We are OK, we have the routine down. Still it was strange to be alone together. We were quiet, words on paper, nestling and curling around one another in a long nap. Gentle touches, a few tears, and his beautiful smile...
I know that this won't last, but today we were in a magic time. A healing time. A strong time. It was just us, alone together, and Cancer was not invited in...

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