Saturday, May 15, 2010

Uneasy dreams and restless spirits...

Last night I kept having lucid dreams. Restless and surreal dreams...
Or as Wikipedia explains: A lucid dream is a dream in which the sleeper is aware that he or she is dreaming. When the dreamer is lucid, he or she can actively participate in and often manipulate the imaginary experiences in the dream environment. Lucid dreams can seem extremely real and vivid depending on a person's level of self-awareness during the lucid dream.[1]

The term was coined by the Dutch psychiatrist and writer Frederik van Eeden (1860–1932).[2]

In the dream(s) I kept waking up in different bedrooms from my life: the lavender room of my childhood in Summer Shade, the cold room in Astoria, Queens, the guest room at my mom's last home, various dorm rooms, apartments and hovels I have lived in over the years. Each time I "woke up" I would look around and say out loud, "No, I am not there yet." I would fall back into the dream within a dream only to "wake up" somewhere else...
Amidst all the dreams people from my past appeared, restless spirits beckoning and calling for me. Some still alive but changed in real life, some long dead and dearly missed.
I often felt like I was really visiting with these relatives, friends, pets and teachers from past times in my life. Sometimes the meetings were joyful reunions, such as when my mother covered me in the lavender bedroom, brushed back my bangs and kissed my forehead.
Others were troubling, involving me seeking lost pets, calling out, seeing them in the distance, just out of reach. Lost to me once again.
I often base my evaluation of my stress level on my dreams. I have no idea what my level is based on last night's dreams.
I am stressed, I am grieving, I am hopeful in the midst of despair. I am overwhelmed by life, by love, by small kindnesses and the generosity of spirit I encounter on my daily walk.
Life is changing quickly, disturbingly so at times.
My family is waging a battle. 3 members are actively fighting cancer: the hubster, Big Bro #1 and my favorite Aunt. I am looking for answers, asking questions and trying to understand all that is whirling around me.
Finally, I realized I have discovered not only my strengths but also my limits. I have asked for a month of personal leave from my job that I love. Giving up my clients even for a short time feels like a loss.
And I have grown weary of losses. Too many times in the past few years, my heart has cracked and broken. Too many times, Death has stolen a loved one.
This time, I hope to win. I hope we win. No more restless spirits tonight. I am hoping for peaceful sleep and quiet dreams.

1 comment:

Katie! said...

I am always here cheering you on to your win. I think of you and your hubster every day and send you the biggest of hugs.