Sunday, May 2, 2010

"It ain't cancer research"... Well actually it is.

The past month has been a roller coaster ride of fear, peace, anxiety, laughter, tears and most of all Love.

It began when the hubster found a lump on his neck during his ritual spring shearing of the beard. It was rather hard and about the size of an egg. By the time we had it checked, CT scanned, PET scanned and tested it was closer to a grapefruit...
The doc whisked him to surgery, removing a tonsil, some muscle, a nerve, several lymph nodes and his right jugular. A 3 hour surgery became a 6 to 7 hour surgery and the dreaded word was spoken: CANCER. Squamous cell carcinoma. Now we know possibly why he was so tired, so down, so not the hubster for the past few months.

We don't know what is in the road ahead. The doc got all the visible tissue. But there is still radiation and possibly chemo to come.

On top of this we have conceded the battle for the house. The bank can have it. We are moving on. Clearing out. Leaving a lot of stuff behind as we take a new route.

I have alternated at times between fear and anxiety. A year ago I was a basket case. Now. Well now I am calmer. Oh, I still cry and have my moments of anger, but for the most part I have found a peace that passeth understanding. I have learned a lot during this time. What is important. Who is important. God, family, friends, the furfaces, the kids I work with. All else is just stuff. Memories are attached to some of it. But I can keep the memories and let go I hope of the stuff.

There is so much to say, to write but my mind is tired and swirling all at once.

However I gotta get on the road of life and start walking again... maybe into the arms of God to rest just for a little while.
THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD
THAT LEADS TO YOUR DOOR
WILL NEVER DISAPPEAR
I´VE SEEN THAT ROAD BEFORE
IT ALWAYS LEADS ME HERE
LEAD ME TO YOUR DOOR

THE WILD AND WINDY NIGHT
THAT THE RAIN WASHED AWAY
HAS LEFT A POOL OF TEARS
CRYING FOR THE DAY
WHY LEAVE ME STANDING HERE
LET ME KNOW THE WAY

MANY TIMES I´VE BEEN ALONE
AND MANY TIMES I´VE CRIED
ANYWAY YOU´LL NEVER KNOW
THE MANY WAYS I´VE TRIED

BUT STILL THEY LEAD ME BACK
TO THE LONG WINDING ROAD
YOU LEFT ME STANDING HERE
A LONG LONG TIME AGO
DON´T LEAVE ME WAITING HERE
LEAD ME TO YOUR DOOR

BUT STILL THEY LEAD ME BACK
TO THE LONG WINDING ROAD
YOU LEFT ME STANDING HERE
A LONG LONG TIME AGO
DON´T KEEP ME WAITING HERE
LEAD ME TO YOUR DOOR

Thank you God for my circle of support.

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