Friday, February 26, 2010

Merry go round and round and round...

Lately I have been alternating between peace and pain.

Losing Buddy Love the cat was somehow both. I am grateful to have had a cat for over 21 years. He helped me through many a bad night, purring me to sleep. Anyone who has not had a beloved pet for so long may not understand the role he played in my life. He had become a touchstone; someone solid, dependable and always there. Unlike humans though, he was never judgmental, cruel or mean. I wish he could have held out longer but it somehow seems selfish to wish that. In human years he would have been about 154 years old...
Making the decision to let him go, to spare him suffering was both painful and yet peaceful.
There is something about death that does not frighten me. I have seen in so many times in so many variations that I don't fear it. It is only one breath away at any given moment. Death is peaceful, its life that is so hard. It is in life that we struggle and fight and grasp, death is just letting go, releasing and changing...

Age and loss are on my mind lately. I turn 50 next week. I am not where I expected to be at age 50. I do not feel like a person turning 50. I am definitely not 15 years from retirement!!!

I had many hopes and dreams for this milestone. One I will achieve. I will have my LCSW before the year is out. That has been a goal even before I entered grad school and started on my Masters.

But other things I imagined aren't there. It feels a bit like a loss, these dreams that didn't come true. As John Lennon said "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." So I go on, entering a decade where I wonder what will happen.

For almost two years my life has been in flux. So much is out of my control. Control is an illusion it seems after all. There are days when I am peaceful, things are going well, and I realize in spite of everything, for this moment I am happy.
Then there are days that I realize that a broken heart can just keep on breaking into smaller and smaller pieces...

The worst thing about realizing, truly understanding that I am middle aged is seeing that my family is getting older. While Death doesn't frighten me, Loss does. I am so scared of losing the people and creatures I love. Having experienced the loss of loved ones, I know what it will be like, I know I will survive, I know I will go on. But I also know I will ache for them. I will miss them, cry many tears, experience pain. Yet it is worth it to have had these people, these animals in my life. I don't want to dwell on the loss but it keeps popping into my head. Mortality seems so fleeting. I know new people will come into my life even as others leave it. Life has a way of balancing, eventually. But its that interim where the scales swing wildly from peace to pain that I detest. I wish I knew how better to survive it.

Life isn't really a circle at all. Its more of a spiral where we cross the same event but at different times and with different people...
So while I will go a few more rounds on the merry go round of life, I realize I will pass pain eventually, that peace will come, that change is inevitable...
I just need to hold on and stay on the ride until it ends.

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