Saturday, January 2, 2010

Realize: to make real; give reality to (a hope, fear, plan, etc.)...

re⋅al⋅ize
  /ˈriəˌlaɪz/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ree-uh-lahyz] Show IPA verb, -ized, -iz⋅ing.

–verb (used with object)
1. to grasp or understand clearly.
2. to make real; give reality to (a hope, fear, plan, etc.).
3. to bring vividly to the mind.
4. to convert into cash or money: to realize securities.
5. to obtain as a profit or income for oneself by trade, labor, or investment.
6. to bring as proceeds, as from a sale: The goods realized $1000.
7. Music. to sight-read on a keyboard instrument or write out in notation the full harmony and ornamentation indicated by (a figured bass).
8. Linguistics. to serve as an instance, representation, or embodiment of (an abstract linguistic element or category): In “Jack tripped,” the subject is realized by “Jack,” the predicate by “tripped,” and the past tense by “-ed.”
–verb (used without object)
9. to convert property or goods into cash or money.

To make real...

This year has held a lot of reality for me. But I have not always "realized" the benefits or grace that has occurred for me.

As with many people, 2009 was a very difficult year. The hubster didn't work much, a by product of the economy and recession. We lost Molly Dawg on the eve of 2009 and our beloved Sniffy Pie in February. Dennis the fish also left the realm.

I went through a pretty serious depression complete with anxiety attacks. I watched as other family members struggled with similar and dissimilar things...

HOWEVER I am slowing realizing (making real in my mind and heart) that good things have come from 2009.

I have had to learn to let go of "stuff", material goods that are not the people who bestowed them upon me, things that are just things...

I have had to accept help from others. I couldn't do it by myself anymore. This has been the hardest lesson to realize of all.
I want to be able to take care of myself and everyone and everything around me and never ever ask for help or anything else. I am that stubborn. Its a family thing...

But I couldn't do it anymore this past year. I ran out of resources, hope and energy.
I felt weak, helpless and ashamed.
It is only now that I realized I was human, hurting and loved.

My family more than once stepped forward and helped me. My mum in law came down two times and stayed as long as I needed, doing laundry, drying tears, cooking, coping w/ me and holding me up.

My brothers and sister and spouses have dried tears, prayed, dug me out of several holes and always, ALWAYS were there without hesitation and unconditional love.

New Years Eve I sat crying, talking to my sister & brother in law when it hit me how much they loved me.

Therein lay the problem I realized. I felt undeserving of such love. I realized too if my family loved me this much then God loved me just as much if not more.

How does one accept that? How does one start to believe they are deserving of such love? How does one ever repay that kind of love?

I have no answers yet. I don't know how I will repay the family and friends who love me that much. I still am having difficulty wrapping my mind around deserving love as broken and wounded and human as I am.

Because no one, NO ONE has asked me to be different, to change, to even repay them.

I don't feel worthy, because I know my faults, my frailty, my weaknesses and my dark side. I sometimes feel if everyone knew how weak I was, they wouldn't love me. Yet, incredibly they do.

I am finally, maybe, realizing (giving reality to a hope, a fear, a plan...) that I am too worthy of receiving love, not just giving it.

Thank you Mum, Bob J. Bob M., Bobbie, Paul, Debbie, Bobbie Jo, Doug, Mark, Melissa, Leslie, Debbie, Diane, Donna E, Tim, Bonnie, Sandy, Members of St. Martha's, St. Michaels, Advent, co workers and friends too numerous to name.
Thank you all for sticking with me through the worst year of my life and making sure I got to 2010.

I could have done it alone and thanks to all of you, I didn't have to. And I won't have to make it alone in 2010.

I love you all more than I can ever say or do.

May you realize how grateful I am and ever shall be.

Mary Martha

6 comments:

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Anonymous said...

nice post. I would love to follow you on twitter.

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