Thursday, December 17, 2009

Favorite song lyrics... JJ Hellar "Your Hands"

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Sunday, December 13, 2009

In general

Life is going a bit better. Or maybe it is just that I am changing my attitude.
Stressful things are still present. But I have decided I had been in victim mode. Now I am preparing for warrior mode.

I have sat on anger and disappointment for too long. I have cried too many tears over things I have no control over. And I want to control EVERYTHING. But I can't. This past year, I finally realized was about letting go: of things, of issues, of beloved pets and people, (that was the hardest) and admitting control is a human illusion.

That takes me into thinking of freewill and all those concepts. And I could go on and struggle and beat myself up for bad decisions I have made and will probably continue to make. But I ultimately don't run the world or control the universe. I need to stop trying to do God's job and give it back to the One who does control everything.

I have been angry a lot this year. Biting it back, holding it in led to a major depression. Not pretty. Painful. Not just to me but to the ones I hold near and dear.
I had to learn to ask for help. I am not magic after all. I am human. I never realized how prideful I was, until I had to break down and actually ask for help. It was hard because I am the problem solver, I am the strong one, I can fix things. But no, much like control, that too is an illusion. I can't save a dying animal. Death comes to each and every living creature. I cannot always heal the kids I work with. It is not in my power to do that. I can't fix broken hearts and souls. Sometimes for whatever reason, hearts must be broken. We are born, we live in a messy world and we die. And somewhere in that span are moments of beauty and joy that counterbalance the sorrow pain...

I connect through pain. I reach out to troubled people everyday. I want to help and heal and make whole. But I am human. I finally realized others want to do this too though. That is why I must extend my hand not only in helping but in asking for help.
I can't do this alone, no one can. But I don't have to hole up and become a victim of life, fate or my depression. I can be a warrior and stand with others to overcome what we can.

I can ask for help, from friends, family and God. Most of all I can ask for help and no longer be ashamed that I am not some incredible super human who can do it all. I just hope this time the lesson sticks and I don't have to relearn it. No promises though, I am pretty stubborn...