Sunday, December 13, 2009

In general

Life is going a bit better. Or maybe it is just that I am changing my attitude.
Stressful things are still present. But I have decided I had been in victim mode. Now I am preparing for warrior mode.

I have sat on anger and disappointment for too long. I have cried too many tears over things I have no control over. And I want to control EVERYTHING. But I can't. This past year, I finally realized was about letting go: of things, of issues, of beloved pets and people, (that was the hardest) and admitting control is a human illusion.

That takes me into thinking of freewill and all those concepts. And I could go on and struggle and beat myself up for bad decisions I have made and will probably continue to make. But I ultimately don't run the world or control the universe. I need to stop trying to do God's job and give it back to the One who does control everything.

I have been angry a lot this year. Biting it back, holding it in led to a major depression. Not pretty. Painful. Not just to me but to the ones I hold near and dear.
I had to learn to ask for help. I am not magic after all. I am human. I never realized how prideful I was, until I had to break down and actually ask for help. It was hard because I am the problem solver, I am the strong one, I can fix things. But no, much like control, that too is an illusion. I can't save a dying animal. Death comes to each and every living creature. I cannot always heal the kids I work with. It is not in my power to do that. I can't fix broken hearts and souls. Sometimes for whatever reason, hearts must be broken. We are born, we live in a messy world and we die. And somewhere in that span are moments of beauty and joy that counterbalance the sorrow pain...

I connect through pain. I reach out to troubled people everyday. I want to help and heal and make whole. But I am human. I finally realized others want to do this too though. That is why I must extend my hand not only in helping but in asking for help.
I can't do this alone, no one can. But I don't have to hole up and become a victim of life, fate or my depression. I can be a warrior and stand with others to overcome what we can.

I can ask for help, from friends, family and God. Most of all I can ask for help and no longer be ashamed that I am not some incredible super human who can do it all. I just hope this time the lesson sticks and I don't have to relearn it. No promises though, I am pretty stubborn...

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