Saturday, September 19, 2009

Happiness returns

I have had a few moments of happiness lately. The new meds are working, the darkness is lifting and I am feeling hopeful again. Depression is such a horribly complex disorder...

Lately I have begun to cherish my Friday afternoon drives. One of my kiddos got moved to Richmond. He is the last appointment of the day. I drive down on I 75 to get there, spend an hour or so with him, talking and listening. Mostly listening, as that is really what he needs because he has more than enough adults talking at him. Then after my session with him, I head back on the old road. The road that is 2 lane and quiet, tree lined, and curved. I blare the oldies station and I sing loudly and drive just a little fast with the windows down and the wind blowing through my hair. I feel free, light and easy. I am singing songs from my youth, from a time I was innocent and believed I could make a difference and save the world. When one could actually understand the words to the songs. I crank the bass up and turn the volume up high, I fly down the blacktop, past cows and fields of hay, startling crows and squirrels. I drive past farms and old wrecked houses, imagining the lives that have passed through the dilapidated buildings. I see ghosts of happiness in the ruins. I pass graveyards where people sleep in peace no longer troubled by life's toils and troubles. The sun slants westward and shadows grow long, the scent of autumn swirls about me, the dry crispness of leaves, drying tobacco, hay ripening in the field. During this drive, my work is done, and I am ageless. I am suspended in time. I may be 16 again or 49 or any point between, for the music lifts me and takes me back, takes me to a time when I was happy, when I was free, when it was just me behind the wheel of a car, cruising along, alone and singing, happy to be me.

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