Monday, September 7, 2009

changes

Changes are coming, I can feel them. I do not know whether they are good or bad...

That is the perplexing thing. I am a creature of habit. I used to think I was whimsical and spontaneous, and perhaps once I was, but no longer. I yearn for predictability. I want order in my life. I want to know where things are and what is to be expected. I no longer love surprises.

Anxiety has gotten the better of me. Fear has jockeyed for the number one spot in my mind. I hate this. I know that this time will pass, that things will get better, but the uncertainty is so hard. The not knowing kills me. I am the person who reads the last page of a book first just so I can see how everyone gets there. I figure out the endings of the crime shows 20 minutes before they end. I am a fixer, a problem solver. A control freak. Who currently lives in an unsteady, unsure world. Where everything is an illusion.
Or perhaps all this time, control has been the illusion...

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