OK I am trying to regain my balance after a topsy turvy weepy day.... I took a hard fall yesterday and felt pretty shattered. But I got up today and got on with life again.
Today was peer review, I sat w/ 3 senior clinicians and the clinical director who all admitted they were struggling with the job too. That they feel hopeless at times, helpless, unable to make a difference too. We talked about the traumatized children and adults we see, how it affects our view of the world, how we get burned out quickly.
These are some of my most respected colleagues and I appreciate their honesty and willingness to admit to being vulnerable. It helps as a junior clinician to realize the "pros" are going through the same stuff and its not me, but the nature of the beast.
Still I have to find a balance. Between life with the insane and sane. I forget there is wonder in the world. That even in the harsh and wounded world that there must be beauty somewhere. That there is still innocence and integrity. Hope and love.
My family has been great lately, holding me up from miles away. Friends have checked in and been supportive.
And God had been answering prayers. Little by little. I am starting to come back. Starting to heal.
I am trying to live in the moment, stay in the present. Trying not to live in the what ifs...
Its hard to keep fear away, but I am finding if I wrap myself in my family's love, I can beat the anxiety and the fear that is trying to wear me down.