Saturday, May 16, 2009

On the Hill: notes from a wounded healer.

Its been a while since I wrote.
I guess I have been isolating and too inwardly focused.
Things have been a bit rough at work, at home and just in general.
I know writing helps me but sometimes words aren't enough.
Sometimes I have to retreat into silence to wait out the darkness.
Finally the dam breaks, the tears flow, the pain comes out, ragged, gasping, and I let go...

Letting go is so tough for me. I fight and hold on, trying to control every situation. Every thing in my life. I am stubborn. I have control issues. I want to fix things, people, solve puzzles, make peace, heal the world. But I can't. And attempting to do so wears me down. One would think I would have learned this lesson, but I seemed doomed to repeat it.

I operate out of fear frequently. Driving myself into a tizzy. Making others around me crazy with my anxiety and worry. At work, I seem calm, collected, together. Most of the time I feel its an act that I pull off successfully, knowing that inside I am just barely hanging on.

Recently I realized (again) I am not alone. That others struggle with all my same fears and anxieties or at least similar ones or at least similar feelings. We are all human. What I forget is that I need to connect. I need to NOT isolate. I need to ask for help. I sat recently and just cried while my sister held me. What a blessing. To finally let it all out, to weep until there were no more tears. To let someone know how scared I was. To tell someone I needed them. I called my best friend Diane, and cried, we prayed together over the phone and she was there for me, in spite of her sadness, in spite of her pain and mourning, she took time for me.

It is only in communion with others that we find ourselves, our balance, that we heal. It is only in others that we find the divine connection, the energy that empowers us to go forth. That is why I believe in the incarnation. God is in us all, in the animals, in the earth, in everything living, breathing, pulsing thing. We just need to remember to connect into the energy, into the lifesource. We just need to live in love. To rest in the arms of others when we are tired. No one can go it alone. I need to remember that...

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