Its snowing again. And I don't like it a bit.
I used to be a person who loved, LOVED snow. Just the sight of it made me happy. It could mean snuggling in w/ a book and the cats and whiling away a day. But now it feels more like entrapment.
This winter has been very cold and dark it seems. Maybe its the business I am in, or the economy, or just the world in general... actually, I think it may have more to do with the internal me than the external world.
I've been spending a lot of time remembering lately. Mainly because of facebook. I have been reconnecting with old friends, some from my childhood. Its been bittersweet. I have been able to offer some long overdue apologies and to resurrect some lovely memories. But I also have resurrected a yearning for simpler times. I have wanted to go back to those days when my family was still together, alive and happy. There was a period of time when my father was still alive and all my nieces and nephew had been born, that we always got together for Sunday dinners. I remember those as wonderfully loud, laughing, joyous times with fried chicken and fresh vegetables and homemade breads. I would sit surrounded by love, feeling secure and unafraid. I was not worried about anything.
Maybe that's the difference now. As an adult, I realize there is always worry, concern and anxiety looming over our shoulders. I haven't felt secure in a long time. Money is a constant concern. There is no job security for either the hubster or me, so we just do our best and say our prayers and hope that will be enough. I feel the weight of responsibility now. Not just for myself but for my clients, their families, my pets, my husband, my home, city, state, country...
Its a big world and I feel rather small and lost in it lately. I am sure this has a lot to do with having my 3rd illness in a month. After bronchitis and a stomach flu, I woke yesterday with a raging head cold and defeated spirit. I could go to work in spite of feeling badly, but would spreading this to my coworkers or clients be really fair? No, it wouldn't. So I will probably take the cut in pay and stay home.
Maybe I will just snuggle up with the cats, read a good book and wait for the light.
Spring is looming, the snow will leave and the light will linger longer each day. The flowers will bloom, the grass will green up and soon the world will thaw...