Saturday, January 17, 2009

Order from chaos.

Today the hubster and I sat and talked and planned and plotted...
We are continuing our journey toward adulthood. We are continuing to try to bring order to our crazy lives.

To do so we have to let go of things. And I am discovering that scares me. It seems that I am a control freak. Surprising. To me. Maybe not to anyone else. I have always thought of myself as artsy and whimsical and easy going... but no. I need a certain amount of order and control or I do NOT feel secure. When I stop to look at myself honestly, I realized that I have a misconception about who I am. I like to be in control. I don't like surprises. I was the kid who had to open gifts on Christmas Eve. I was the one who wanted all my family to get along. Who went around and unplugged appliances as a child so the house wouldn't catch on fire. Who made older siblings get up in the middle of the night and go get the toy left outside because I feared it would be gone...

I am a bossy little snot it seems.

I think a lot of my fears and anxiety are rooted in not being in control. I picked jobs where I would master situations: Lighting Designer/Electrician. Who has more power than the person controlling light and dark?
Vet assistant: caring for and controlling an animals pain and sickness.
Social worker: controlling the system...
Yup. I am a control freak. Hopefully a loveable control freak.

The hubster and I have a plan where he is going to be the visionary for a while and I am going to be the nuts and bolts problem solver. Actually this is a role reversal for us, as I have been trying to make him the fixer and me the dreamer. After 20 years we will see it the new roles work.

Stay tuned. It could be interesting!

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