Saturday, June 28, 2008

Caturday

As I write this I am listening to stereo purring...
Buddy Love is on my right, Mo on my left, both curled up gently purring. Molly Dawg is beside the bed gently panting. Its a peaceful Saturday morning after another long week.

I love the quiet solitude of these mornings. Getting back my balance, reconnecting with my fur faces, and hashing out the details of the last week with God.

I realized in spite of the stress, anxiety and paperwork that never seems to end, I love this job so much. I am moving very quickly into clinical work (i.e therapy) and while it is scary it is also exciting. At times I feel like I know absolutely nothing about what I am doing. Then there are moments it clicks. It seems like an innate ability surfaces and I say and do the right thing without even thinking about it. I just somehow know.
Its those rare moments I realize I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life.
It has been a long weird journey getting here...

Looking back I can see how every experience, every person I have met has played a part in helping me get here: good or bad. And I am grateful for them all. Without the bitter, without the pain, I wouldn't appreciate the sweetness and joy of life as I do.
The tough times that I resented and raved about when I was younger have made me stronger, tougher and surprisingly kinder. Because I have known kindness in my rough times, I can now extend that kindness to others who are hurting.
I have been blessed in my life, truly blessed by people who have reached out and supported me in my dreams. Who helped me through some dark days and never asked for anything in return. Some have been my amazing loving family, some have been friends and neighbors, some have been strangers in my life for mere moments. I can never actually repay them for all they have done. All I can do is pay it forward. I can take their lessons in kindness, mercy, love, and respect and give it to the kiddos I work with. I can believe in them the way people believe in me. I can support their dreams, dry their tears, quiet their fears, and love them. Others did it for me. Its the least I can do to say thank you.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Food for thought...

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self centred;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you;
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating others could destroy overnight;
Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will be often forgotten;
Do good anyway

Give the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

By Mother Teresa

Long, long week

Its been a while hasn't it?
Where to start...
Well the trip to Pennsylvania was nice but hot as heck! What was that??? We went North thinking it would be cool and it was hotter there than in KY! and there was no central A/C. But never fear Mum had fans aplenty and Molly Dawg got 2 of her very own.
The nephews and nieces are just amazing. What a joy to be around them. They are so beautiful and incredible. I am just the luckiest aunt ever~ on both sides of the family we are blessed with fabulous kiddos...
We also got to see our uncles and aunts. A little older, a little grayer and just as funny and loveable as ever. Poor hubster was wondering what happened to all the young people in the family tho! Now that we have joined the "a little older and a little grayer" set!
Nephew Cody graduated and did us all proud. Cody is already working. I should say he was already working before graduation. Cody like my other nephew Mark, is just naturally talented w/ mechanical ability. These two can fix, repair, build, do just about anything they set their minds too. They are just amazing guys. Its like they were separated at birth! Only they belong to different sides of the family and different states!
The Fam had Cody's graduation party and it was a feast. The hubster at one point went into a hot sausage trance. He was eating a hot sausage w/ onions and peppers and the look on his face was priceless... he was in a state of bliss. He is still talking about that sammich.
Molly did okay on the trip. She came home kind of grumpy and lethargic and that's when I discovered she had a hot spot. Typical Golden Retriever malady. So out came the clippers and now she has a bad mamma inflicted haircut and is taking ucky pills but she feels better!
The kittehs were fine when we got home, spoiled by their time w/ Alycat who let them watch too much tv and probably play poker until the wee hours of morning.

Then back to work...
more on that later.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Work is done, only cleaning remains...

Got all the papers pushed, signed, stapled, filed etc. etc. etc...
But now I have to clean the house and pack. SIGH.
So of course I am procrastinating and blogging instead...
Mainly I am just continuing to be overwhelmed. I am not sure where all the stuff in this house came from...
ON a cheerful note Dennis the fish is fully recovered, swimming like a fish eyed fool and eating his freeze dried worms happily. The cats are fine and Molly is packing for vacation! Auntie Alycat is coming to stay w/ the purrpurrs and Dennis while Molly heads north for a short time.
I had a very good day w/ 3 sessions of supervision. (I am not a loose cannon who needs that much watching, I just crammed it all in on one day thank you very much!!!)
But it was fascinating stuff. We learned about the brain, limbic system, trauma and all sorts of things that thrill the inner geek in me. I realize I actually miss school a little. I love learning and all the discussion that goes along with it...
OH well. I notice 5 pairs of eyes looking at me, hinting for me to open a can or two... must be feeding time...

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Overwhelmed...

The first of the month is a big push~ lots of reports due, supervision sessions, catching up notes...
This week is even more a hurdle as I am taking a few days off to travel. So everything is due 2 days early, plus I need to make contact w/ all my families and open 3 new cases while closing down the office at the school...
Needless to say, there won't be any posts for a few days!
But soon, I promise!

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Going Home

Yesterday I was in McMurtrey's funeral home to pay respect to an old family friend. As I sat there during the funeral I wondered how many times I had been in this building. My history with this place goes back to the beginning of my life. The day I was born it snowed and the only car with snow chains on was the McMurtrey hearse, so that's who drove Mama and Daddy to the hospital so I could be born...
The McMurtreys have been part and parcel of the landscape of my heart so long I cannot imagine my family having a funeral anywhere else...

The man buried yesterday was also around from the beginning of my life. His life was interwoven with mine, sometimes tightly, sometimes loosely.

His parents were my parents' best friends. As a child I used to beg to go to "Ray and Betty's". Their farm was just about the best place a kid could go. Betty loved animals as much as I did and would walk me all over the place letting me pet the cows, pigs, chickens, dogs and cats. She would walk with me to pick up turkey feathers. She would let me feed all the baby animals and show me how to be gentle with them.

If it was rainy or cold, she had "play purties" (toys) for me and I would spend hours on the floor playing while the adults talked and laughed. I remember Betty's laugh. She had just about the best laugh in the world. Her face would light up and her eyes crinkled and she laughed with her whole soul.

Betty made chocolate and butterscotch pies and would let me have a piece of both, scraping off the meringue which I would not eat because BB2 told me it was calf slobber...

Ray was always quiet it seemed to me. He was the serious solid side to Betty's joyousness. He would show me the ginseng he had dug, drying in a basket on top of the kitchen cabinet. He would call Judy (the most beautiful black coon hound) to come out from under the porch so I could love on her. He was the one who would boost me over the fence to get to the animals.

I never really had much contact with their son, Dale, he was 11 years older than me and was more my brother's peer than mine. I just remember him shyly smiling, ducking his head and going about his business. Later on he married one of my friends from elementary school and I remember she was the first of any of us to get married.

It was his funeral I attended. Over the years I had lost touch with this family. But my family who still lives in the community had contact with them almost daily. Those ties remained. I would get updates periodically, and I would ask about them when I was down home.

Yesterday I saw them for the first time since my own mother's funeral. Betty and Ray were older, in their 80's now, but I knew them. I knew those faces, even wracked with grief and despair, and decades of hard work, I knew them. I knew the man in the coffin. A man with a deep pain that no one could heal, no one could help. I don't know all the details, I suspect there is much more to the story than any of us will ever know about why he took his life. But looking at his still form, I remembered the shy young man, I remembered the parents, the farm, the kindness, the love they so freely shared.

In my current profession as a therapist, the research states that the first 3 to 5 years of our lives are the most important for forming attachments: for learning about love, for learning to trust, for developing a view of the world as good or bad, for learning about how to see ourselves. I am so blessed to have had this family as part of those years. To have grown up in a town where the same people bring you into the world and ease you out of it. To still have family there so I can go back and remember where I am from and who, really, in my heart of hearts, I am and will always be.

Thank you Ray and Betty. God Bless you Dale. May you have the peace you so desperately sought.