Saturday, December 13, 2008

Dark of winter

I have gone round and round w/ depression most of my adult life and part of my childhood.

Ironically my own battles and victories led me into the mental health field. Knowing that if I can survive and fight makes me believe that others can as well.

This has been a hard autumn~ usually my best time of year but this year~ not so much. There has been death, disease, disappointment and worry... sometimes my problems, but often others that I carry for friends, family and clients.

I have found myself crying more lately, isolating, being vexed. The Hubster pointed out I needed to take my own advice and consult w/ my doctor. So I did. I am now on a higher dose of what will probably be lifelong medications. That's OK. But I still find myself resenting that my body chemistry overrides my determination and will power...

I don't know why I am so unforgiving with myself. Why I am so much kinder to my clients, friends, family and pets than I am to myself... but that is my issue I need to work out.

In the course of all this angst I have emerged incredibly grateful for several things:
My family. My mum in law who listens as I cry over the phone, who has been a support for me for almost 20 years through thick and thin. I am so incredibly blessed to have a mum in law who is a friend. Not everyone can say that and I just love her dearly. She came into my life during the time my own mother died and her mother died and we have just glommed onto each other and forged a wondrous relationship.
Also my big sister. She has always been there for me. She and her hubster are my touchstones, I know if I ever need anything, all I have to do is call and they will be there without question. They are my heart.
The hubster. Who else would put up with me? He knows the best and worst and loves it all. Diane, BFF of 34 years, again, what would I do without her? We have laughed, cried, prayed, rejoiced and mourned together for a lifetime. She too is irreplaceable.
Then there are the furfaces. My pets, lovable, frustrating, but so life sustaining...
They show me unconditional love and absorb countless tears into their furs. Worth every nickel...
I am grateful for friends. My social work group of buds, T. and L. and K, we hold each other up through monthly visits and emails. They are there in a heartbeat and provide me with joy and support.
My co workers who bolster me and support me and quell my fears. I love my job most days but it does wear a person down, that is why they are so vital to me...
The list goes on, but my battery is dying, so I will plug in the computer and continue later...
Peace and love to you all.
Mary Martha

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