Monday, September 1, 2008

Healing

Its been a couple of rough weeks. Lots of stress, tears, and anxiety.
Yup, and I am a therapist! Proving that even if we have the knowledge, we are still human, fallible and vulnerable to life's whimsy.

The husbster is doing well, out interviewing, studying, looking for a new career. I am proud of him. He is ready to take a risk at happiness. He is brave and strong and my hero today. He is my best friend and I love him so insanely that its hard to believe we have been married for over 19 years. He still makes me laugh through my tears, he's the hand holding mine in the darkness, the one who sees the worst of me and loves me anyway. I thank God for him...

That is what I am trying to do this week, count my blessings. The clinicians were sitting around one day talking about various techniques we use with our clients and several mentioned the "attitude of gratitude". I am ashamed to say I had forgotten to use that myself lately. I now try to list 10 things daily for which I am grateful.
It is my way of keeping the darkness out of my soul.

I also have had the chance to reconnect with old friends lately. I spent yesterday with three of my best loved former co-workers. Two worked with me at the same time )the vet and the tech), and third will be working w/ the vet very soon. It is a lovely weave in the tapestry of my life. My old friends meeting my newer friends and forming a bridge of friendship that includes me somewhere in the mix! It made me grateful to be surrounded by such loving and true friends. To sit and share stories and laughter, to remember the fun times in a hard business. To recall beautiful animals we had loved and lost. The visit ended all too soon...

Molly dawg continues to hang on, stubborn like her momma. I feel in my bones that something is going on other than just arthritis. Her appetite decreases, her sleep lenghtens and deepens, and my heart grows heavier knowing that my time with her is coming to an end. I am grieving already. The hubster points out that once again, I am sneaking a peek at the end of the book, reading the final pages before its time. Its how I am. I am never good at waiting. I hate surprises. I hate the unknown. I want to know and own a situation. Yes, I do have control issues...
God and I wrangle over this all the time. I forget to get out of His way a lot.
For now I just want Molly dawg comfortable and pain free...

I had the opportunity to spend time alone this weekend, just listening to music, to nature, to silence, driving around by myself, in the lush greenness of KY, and it helped. After being around people so much, listening to them, counseling them, I realize, once again, I NEED time by myself. Alone. I love people, I always have. I love listening to their stories, figuring out what makes them tick, who they are, what they do and why. But it takes an enormous amount of energy from me. In order to recharge, I need to go off by myself. To listen to silence. To let all the pain and hurt and tears of others drain from me, back into the earth, back into the universal pool, back to God. It is in the silence that I find healing. In the quiet I find solace and strength. I can understand why Christ went to the desert. I can understand why holy people go to the mountains. I understand why religious orders cloister themselves. There comes a time when the world is too much. When the burdens are too heavy for us humans alone. When we need to be still and listen. "Be still and know that I am God".
The world is a noisy place, busy, filled with "have to do this" and rushing and plans.
So busy and hurried, we forget who we are and whose we are...
I am grateful for the chance to remember.

2 comments:

Katie! said...

Thinking of you lots, and Molly Dawg. She is blessed to have you as her very own person. I'm glad you had some time to yourself and were able to recenter - it is so important. Love you lots.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you Pensy and Molly dawg.