Unexpected blessings

Today the hubster and I had a couple of unexpected blessings.

He went to work only to discover he actually had the day off. So he came home and we got to spend time together raking the yard. More romantic than one would think...
We are always better as a team than as singles.

Together we worked on herding the leaves toward the curb where the giant sucking truck would come and get them later this week...
He used the Toro blower and later changed it to the chopping thingie. I stuck w/ the leaf brooms. Jake just ran circles and leaped into piles of leaves digging out twigs and sticks.

During the raking I uncovered an earthworm, fat and sluggish, awoken from his afternoon nap no doubt. I helped him to a safer place. A few yard further on, I uncovered 2 tiny purple violets, sweep and purple, hiding beneath dead and decaying leaves, they were in full bloom, struggling to reach the sun. For some reason I resonated with them. After this past year of struggling through dark times and longing for easier times, I feel like I am slowly getting closer to the sun, pushing through the the dank, decaying, dark days, getting back to the light, back to the positive energy, back to Hope.

It was a blessing to spend the day with my hubby and Jake, in the sunshine, discovering surprising things, under the leaves, in the yard, in my soul.

Time passes so quickly! Its almost Thanksgiving!

I can't believe it has been almost a month since I blogged.

This month has been the longest yet the fastest I have experienced in a while.

It started with the glorious fiery leaves on trees that I love and then in an instant there are bare branches and gloomy weather heralding winter...

I have hauled out comforters and quilts, my snuggies to keep the cold away. Last night was a sure sign as I woke up at one point to find not only a husband in bed, but two cats and a dog! Seems winter is approaching.

I will be glad when 2009 is over. This has not been the finest year for our family. I think in some ways this has been the hardest year of our marriage. We have hit rough patches but they were brief and we were younger and managed to bounce back faster.
This year took its toll on us: financially, mentally, physically and spiritually.
But we did not give up, we held on and we are coming out on the other side.

However we could not have made it without friends and our beloved family.
More than anything I have learned this year, it is this. I am loved. Not that I have doubted it, but my family (both sides mine and the hubsters, I can't separate them anymore, they just are MY FAMILY) have come through for us in abundance. I have called on them more than usual to help and they have not once said no to me. I am thankful for all of them. For taking the time to listen to me in the throes of self pity. To dry my tears, to hold my hand, to talk me out of my anxiety attacks and stupid ideas. But most of all I am thankful for their unquestioning, unconditional love. So while I will be glad when the bad parts of this year are over, I will be remembering the love that was there during the dark hours. I will be grateful that I had family and friends who stuck by me. I have no idea how I can ever repay what they have done for me, other to say thanks and let them all know how very, very much I love each and every one.

Fall

I cannot believe how quickly this month has gone by. It seems that the days have swirled by as fast and furious as the leaves...

It has been a trying and triumphant month.

Losses and gains.

Work and life are a roller coaster ride and I am hanging on, hoping and praying that all will be well.

The strange thing is I am not the only one affected. It seems as if the universe is all topsy turvy. Everyone I know seems to be going through a similar cycle. I hear talk about the economy all the time. War, peace, loss, fear. "These are the times that try men's souls." (Thomas Paine)

I will write more. But now I need to shower and get ready for Halloween with 3 of the 8 greats. Hoping the night is clear and the candy is flowing!

New poem... about the family farm.

In the curve of the land
where my life began
is where I wish my life to end.
in the wild grove where my grandmother’s
roses still grow
where wild garlic from a long ago garden
and buttercups and daffodils
are grown,
That is the final place
I want my ashes sown.

From the earth that nurtured me
and fostered my dreams
and even now tugs me back
for respite and care
I want my last bones and cells to return

I want my DNA to mix into the mud
with which I played
so that someday
maybe future generations
may touch me inadvertently
and feel a whisper of my passion
of my love
of my soul.

I want for them
the love of this land
that never left my bones

It seems only right to put me back
where my heart,
my soul belongs.

Life of late...

Much has been happening and I have not had time nor inclination to write.

Things have been rather strange here, lots of struggles and frustrations. I prayed for strength and now wished I had prayed for peace. I know God is with me but I feel so alone at times. I have cried so much its ridiculous even for me. But I am lucky, blessed with a great support system: family, friends, church and co workers. I will persevere. I will keep on going. Because really what other choice is there?

Trust and Faith

Talking to one of my kiddos, he tells me he wants two new tattoos. One on each arm: Trust and Faith, because he has learned that is what keeps him going. He also revealed he wants to be a therapist someday. He wants to help others because he knows what it is like to come up through the system and to grow up wounded. Plus he says he can make big money. I laughed and said "well make sure you become a psychologist and not a clinical social worker then!" he laughed too...

But it was a nice moment. I had a couple of those with my kiddos. One was angry and took it out on me for about 15 minutes and I realized we were getting nowhere, so I cut the session short and rescheduled for the next day. I asked her to give me a chance tomorrow. Then I tossed and turned all night trying to figure out how to address the disrespect and anger, the hurt she must have been feeling, trying to be firm but still caring...
When I saw her the next day I greeted her as usual and as we walked across the hall, she apologized to me. Told me she was having a bad day and had taken it out on me and was sorry. I validated her feelings and praised her for be accountable for her actions. We talked more that day than we had in awhile. She gave me a chance and I gave her one as well.

My third kiddo has been moved, disrupted again in foster care. We talked about a lot of things. He asked me if God was angry at him. Why? I asked. He said "I pray and pray and He turns his back on me and never answers my prayers." This led to a discussion of sometimes even God says NO and we don't know why. This kid is processing the murder of his dad. We relate because we both grew up as teenagers without dads. He told me I was one of the few people who ever showed up when I said I would. He told me trust is hard for him. He also said he has realized its not the environment that creates the trouble in his life, its his choices. He can choose trouble or not. I told him he was becoming a fine man that his father would have been proud of him.

Life is bittersweet at times. Making these connections is both beautiful and heartbreaking. I am honored and humbled at the trust and faith these kids place in me. I am by no means a hero, I am so afraid of wounding them further. I feel that sometimes I am too easy on them, not firm enough. I am trying to find that balance of firmness and boundaries but also of caring and believing.

It is about choices. Choosing to believe them. Choosing to believe in them. To see beyond the anger, the fear, the tough exteriors into the scared and scarred hearts.
I have discovered my strength is also my biggest weakness. Loving.
Its worth the risk though... because in the end there is trust and faith to see me through.

Happiness returns

I have had a few moments of happiness lately. The new meds are working, the darkness is lifting and I am feeling hopeful again. Depression is such a horribly complex disorder...

Lately I have begun to cherish my Friday afternoon drives. One of my kiddos got moved to Richmond. He is the last appointment of the day. I drive down on I 75 to get there, spend an hour or so with him, talking and listening. Mostly listening, as that is really what he needs because he has more than enough adults talking at him. Then after my session with him, I head back on the old road. The road that is 2 lane and quiet, tree lined, and curved. I blare the oldies station and I sing loudly and drive just a little fast with the windows down and the wind blowing through my hair. I feel free, light and easy. I am singing songs from my youth, from a time I was innocent and believed I could make a difference and save the world. When one could actually understand the words to the songs. I crank the bass up and turn the volume up high, I fly down the blacktop, past cows and fields of hay, startling crows and squirrels. I drive past farms and old wrecked houses, imagining the lives that have passed through the dilapidated buildings. I see ghosts of happiness in the ruins. I pass graveyards where people sleep in peace no longer troubled by life's toils and troubles. The sun slants westward and shadows grow long, the scent of autumn swirls about me, the dry crispness of leaves, drying tobacco, hay ripening in the field. During this drive, my work is done, and I am ageless. I am suspended in time. I may be 16 again or 49 or any point between, for the music lifts me and takes me back, takes me to a time when I was happy, when I was free, when it was just me behind the wheel of a car, cruising along, alone and singing, happy to be me.